Same Shit, Different Days

Salah nggak sih kalo aku ngerasa capek?

Capek apa? 
Mungkin capek pura-pura. Mungkin capek bersandiwara.

Jadi, selama ini bersandiwara? 
 Oke, fine. Iya, aku ngaku selama ini semuanya cuma sandiwara. Cuma perasaan bersalah, 
atau mungkin ada sedikit rasa terpaksa.

Berarti tidak ada cinta?
Entah. Sayang, itu pasti. Tapi, cinta? Aku sendiri tidak tahu seperti apa cinta itu. 

Kenapa baru sekarang? Kenapa nggak dari dulu?
Karena baru sadar sekarang. Jahat ya aku?


Jahat, jahat banget. Kamu jahat sama dia, sama dirimu sendiri, sama temen-temenmu juga. Apa nanti kata orang kalau kamu mempermainkan  dia seperti itu?
Aku juga nggak tahu, terkadang aku butuh dia. Aku butuh seseorang untuk ada di sampingku untuk aku andalkan, aku butuh seseorang.....


Jadi, kamu manfaatin dia?
Aku nggak maksud seperti itu, toh aku juga tidak pernah memaksa.


Jadi, dia apa? Pelarian saja?
Ya, bisa jadi. Tapi, cinta kan bisa tumbuh dengan sendirinya.


Kamu jahat, Li. Jahat.
Iya, aku tahu. Aku memang munafik, aku memang jahat. Tapi, selama tidak ada orang yang tahu, bukankah tidak masalah?


Kamu menjijikkan...........

I try to hold on but it hurts so much

Have you ever felt like you were being alone? Like, you're among peoples but you felt like you're fighting alone.
I felt like I was failed, failed as a psychology student. I'm one of the pyschology peoples but I can't handle my own problem. I can't handle me. I can't handle my feeling. I'm trying to hold on but it feels so hurt and so lonely, I can't handle it.
I was asked for help, but no one really gave me a hand. I felt like I was alone and I felt like abandoned. Ironic, how life could turn 180 degrees easily like this.
I can barely share it, I can barely share it with anyone. I can't even talk about it. Nggak sanggup.
Sometimes, I just don't know what to tell, how to tell it, I don't know. I just keep it inside. Just for myself.
It hurts when you have to act strong when deep inside all that you want to do is only break apart. When all you have to do is to be peoples' strength but all you really need is peoples to be beside you. It such a pain.
I smile, I laugh, I chat, I act like nothing matters. But inside, my soul is breaking into pieces.
I need more strength. I need more patience. I need to be convinced that this isn't a big deal and my life will continue still.
But I just can't handle it. I'm weak. It's all beyond me. I don't have much energy left. I don't have the urge to fight anymore. I'm tired. I'm just very very tired.
I'm tired to act strong while inside I'm just as fragile as a wet paper. I'm tired to understand peoples while nobody tries to understand me. I'm tired to be okay while everyone else only being selfish. I'm tired with all of this. Why I'd to be the who cares so much when nobody else does? Why I'd to be the one who hold on so tight when everybody try to go?
I just want my family back. That's all I want.

to be continued

So, here is this guy, he's nice, he's humble, I like him, he's so funny after all. 

I know he hold something for me.

I do feel comfort with him. Aku bisa smsan sama dia semaleman, sometimes, yes, I feel bored, tapi somehow I just can't stand his message. Sometimes I feel a lil bit too excited and these days I smile a lot. Extreme, I know.

But that's just not the way I love someone. I meant, ya iya dia emang anaknya asik, I do send texts with him, but that's just something in the way I feel him. 

Apa ya? I can't explain with words, but sometimes when I'm in the middle of 'sms-sms ria' with him I just can't hold my tears. I cried for I don't know what.

Kalo ada yang bisa jelasin kenapa aku tiba-tiba pengen nangis, well that's absolutely not me.

So, I keep asking to myself 'what's wrong with me?'

Ada satu sih sebenernya yang bikin gundah, yang mungkin bisa jadi jawaban dari pertanyaan terakhir.

So, here is this guy, he's nice, he's humble, he's funny after all, he's sometimes sweet, he loves his mother so much, he's a lil bit fragile, he's overthinking so much, he used to be a playmaker in his team and I liked him. a lot.

Pernah nggak sih, kamu ngerasain patah hati, sakit hati, kangen, nyesek, marah, kecewa dan sebagainya, campur aduk rasanya dan semuanya cuma gara-gara satu orang? Aku pernah. He's the one to blame.

He's not my ex-boyfriend, he's not my first love, he's not even someone that more than friend to me.

Tapi dia susah banget dihilangin dari hati, dan pikiran. Aku juga nggak tau kenapa, padahal nggak pernah ada sesuatu yang lebih di antara kita, nggak pernah ada sesuatu yang spesial di antara kita. Tapi aneh, saat dia malah jadi satu hal yang terasa paling nyata di antara hal-hal lain yang datang dari masa lalu, saat dia malah jadi kenangan yang paling jelas di antara kenangan-kenangan lain yang terasa kabur. Aneh, saat dia malah jadi yang paling pertama muncul di pikiranku saat mengingat masa-masa sekolah dulu-bukannya ingat seragam, atau pekerjaan rumah.

Pernah dengar satu ungkapan kalau otak adalah bagian yang paling vital dari tubuh manusia? Aku sendiri bukan orang yang ngerti anatomi atau neurologi atau apalah ilmu-ilmu yang mempelajari masalah itu, tapi aku setuju seratus persen tanpa koma dengan ungkapan itu.

Semua rangsangan dikirimkan ke otak, semua gerakan diperintahkan oleh otak, bukankah otak adalah pengendali yang paling nyata dari tubuh kita? Pengendali dari setiap liter darah yang mengalir di dalam nadi, pengendali dari setiap sakit, cemas, gundah, bahagia yang terasa di dalam hati.

Lalu, kalau otakku saja masih belum bisa lepas dari kamu, bagaimana mungkin aku berani berharap kalau aku sudah bisa berhenti mencintai kamu?

Ada yang mengganjal di dalam hati, bagaimanapun aku berusaha untuk menuntaskan semua perasaanku, tapi sesungguhnya bagiku ini sama sekali belum selesai. Bagiku, perjuanganmu bahkan belum dimulai, entah aku yang buta atau memang kamu yang tidak pernah berjuang. Aku ingin kamu perjuangkan.

Ada yang pergi karena memang menolak untuk memperjuangkan. Ada yang pergi hanya ingin tahu seberapa jauh ia akan diperjuangkan. - rhma.

Absurd

Pada akhirnya memang akan selalu ada waktunya untuk berhenti. Berhenti meratap, berhenti menangis, berhenti berharap...
 
Jarum jam tidak akan selamanya berdetak mengiringi berjalannya sang waktu. Terkadang ia berhenti sejenak, saat jam kehabisan baterainya. Entah apa yang dipikirkan jarum jam saat ia berhenti bergerak, mungkinkah sebenarnya ia pun rindu dengan putaran 360 derajatnya?

surat cinta (?)

Hei, kamu! Apa kabar?

......

Aku? Akunya sih masih berusaha move on dari kamu...

Eh, tapi ternyata emang susah ya cari yang kayak kamu. Eits, bukannya aku sengaja nyari yang kayak kamu ya, tapi emang aku cuma lagi cari yang sreg aja di hati. Bukan berarti harus kayak kamu juga lho, jangan GR!

 

Banyak sih yang ngedeketin aku (bukan sombong loh ya), tapi nggak tau kenapa susah banget loh lepas dari kamu. Kamu selalu aja bisa nyelip, muncul di sela-sela memoriku, bahkan di saat aku sedang tidak berusaha mengingatmu. Kamu melet aku pake apa sih? Hehehe...

Kalo aku sekarang deket sama banyak cowok, itu gara-gara kamu loh. Kalo aku sekarang PHP-in banyak orang, itu juga gara-gara kamu loh. Sangking pengen lupanya aku sama kamu, aku kayak gini... Mencari satu, untuk menggenapkan yang ganjil. Mencari pengikat, untuk merekatkan yang pecah. Mencari ramai untuk meredam sepi, karena sepiku selalu membawaku padamu....

Kamu gimana? Masih susah move on dari aku juga nggak? :')

"After all this time?" "Always"

"After all this time?" "Always," said Snape.

I once was a fool for letting you go and now I'm a fool for didn't let you come back.

 I don't know what to write. It's like everything's messed up in my mind. I want to write it all, but I just don't know where to start. So, I'll try to 'just write', cause I don't think that I can do any better.

Well, today I am a birthday girl. Yep, this is my 18th birthday. There's nothing special 'bout today. Just some cheery friends and some 'happy birthday' thingy. Well, appreciate that.

So, actually I've been waiting for this day since the end of the previous month. I hopefully wish that he will send me a happy birthday text, as always. I already planned to have a long convo with him 'cause I swear this time I will reply all his text and I won't cut it all. But I guess this is how Karma is work. When I planned and I kept make promises in my head that I won't let any chances gone, well, it didn't work as well as what I hope. He didn't even send me a birthday greetings.

Well, in one side it breaks my heart so much (even though I keep seeking reasons for defending him). And in the other side, it makes me realize that maybe it's just how it meant to be. We couldn't meet each other. I meant, if we were lines, both of us is drawn parallel, equal, in the same direction. So, it doesn't matter how long we were drawn for, both of us couldn't meet at the same point. 

I keep thinking on my head if you still love me or not. I realize that we're separated too far away. We couldn't stuck in past, we both have our own new world. So I start to think maybe it's the time to make a move, to decide, to choose, to forget...

It won't be easy at the beginning, I know. I meant to really really really forgetting all about him... That's too complex. Even my tears fell down when I saw him taken a photo with a girl (she's sweet though), just the two of them in a frame, with a really close space... I'm glad that I could hold my tears and didn't cry like a baby :)

Since we met, it's the first birthday which I didn't received birthday greetings text from you, so I guess here is where our story ends. It's over today. Bye, love :)

Birthday Surprises?

Hi, meet me again. Well, this time I want to share a little about my life. No, no, it isn't about my lovelife by the way. It's not a poem or another sad love story too.

So, it's the 6th day of April. D-11. Eleven days before my 18th birthday. I don't know why but I get less excited about my birthday. What's in my mind now is just that on April 22nd I'll have a mid-semester exam and I'm not even open my book yet...literally. I meant, I don't even have any text book yet hehehe.

Maybe it seems like I'm weird and anti social or sounds like hypocrite and whatever. But, I don't want anything on my birthday. I don't want to be the center of attention. I don't know why but that's just the truth. And I really am okay with that.

It's not like I don't want anybody to say Happy Birthday to me or I hate everybody. No, It isn't like that. But, I just want to have a common day as my birthday. I meant, I don't feel like I want to get any surprises or what. I don't know what's wrong about me. Maybe I'm just a lil' afraid or get paranoid. But, I can't handle it. That's it.

But, of course I can't show it or tell it to anybody, especially to my friends. I know they must've been organized things behind me. So, I better shut my mouth up and follow the show. I don't want to disappoint them anyway. It wouldn't be good.

Hmm... Pathetic, right? I don't know what happened to me. But, I feel like I'm better be alone. OMG, I hate to say that but I must admit that I sounds sooo disgusting and I'm so introvert. I hate myself for being like that, seriously. But, that's what I feel inside. I enjoy myself. Well, maybe that's the wrong way but that it is.

Argh.. I hate myself to feel like this. There are they, peoples who love me and treasure me. Spend their time and energy for me to make me happy and let me have the best memories. But, I do feel this for them. I'm so mean :(

I hope my birthday will go well and I won't  mess it up.