I try to hold on but it hurts so much

Have you ever felt like you were being alone? Like, you're among peoples but you felt like you're fighting alone.
I felt like I was failed, failed as a psychology student. I'm one of the pyschology peoples but I can't handle my own problem. I can't handle me. I can't handle my feeling. I'm trying to hold on but it feels so hurt and so lonely, I can't handle it.
I was asked for help, but no one really gave me a hand. I felt like I was alone and I felt like abandoned. Ironic, how life could turn 180 degrees easily like this.
I can barely share it, I can barely share it with anyone. I can't even talk about it. Nggak sanggup.
Sometimes, I just don't know what to tell, how to tell it, I don't know. I just keep it inside. Just for myself.
It hurts when you have to act strong when deep inside all that you want to do is only break apart. When all you have to do is to be peoples' strength but all you really need is peoples to be beside you. It such a pain.
I smile, I laugh, I chat, I act like nothing matters. But inside, my soul is breaking into pieces.
I need more strength. I need more patience. I need to be convinced that this isn't a big deal and my life will continue still.
But I just can't handle it. I'm weak. It's all beyond me. I don't have much energy left. I don't have the urge to fight anymore. I'm tired. I'm just very very tired.
I'm tired to act strong while inside I'm just as fragile as a wet paper. I'm tired to understand peoples while nobody tries to understand me. I'm tired to be okay while everyone else only being selfish. I'm tired with all of this. Why I'd to be the who cares so much when nobody else does? Why I'd to be the one who hold on so tight when everybody try to go?
I just want my family back. That's all I want.

to be continued

So, here is this guy, he's nice, he's humble, I like him, he's so funny after all. 

I know he hold something for me.

I do feel comfort with him. Aku bisa smsan sama dia semaleman, sometimes, yes, I feel bored, tapi somehow I just can't stand his message. Sometimes I feel a lil bit too excited and these days I smile a lot. Extreme, I know.

But that's just not the way I love someone. I meant, ya iya dia emang anaknya asik, I do send texts with him, but that's just something in the way I feel him. 

Apa ya? I can't explain with words, but sometimes when I'm in the middle of 'sms-sms ria' with him I just can't hold my tears. I cried for I don't know what.

Kalo ada yang bisa jelasin kenapa aku tiba-tiba pengen nangis, well that's absolutely not me.

So, I keep asking to myself 'what's wrong with me?'

Ada satu sih sebenernya yang bikin gundah, yang mungkin bisa jadi jawaban dari pertanyaan terakhir.

So, here is this guy, he's nice, he's humble, he's funny after all, he's sometimes sweet, he loves his mother so much, he's a lil bit fragile, he's overthinking so much, he used to be a playmaker in his team and I liked him. a lot.

Pernah nggak sih, kamu ngerasain patah hati, sakit hati, kangen, nyesek, marah, kecewa dan sebagainya, campur aduk rasanya dan semuanya cuma gara-gara satu orang? Aku pernah. He's the one to blame.

He's not my ex-boyfriend, he's not my first love, he's not even someone that more than friend to me.

Tapi dia susah banget dihilangin dari hati, dan pikiran. Aku juga nggak tau kenapa, padahal nggak pernah ada sesuatu yang lebih di antara kita, nggak pernah ada sesuatu yang spesial di antara kita. Tapi aneh, saat dia malah jadi satu hal yang terasa paling nyata di antara hal-hal lain yang datang dari masa lalu, saat dia malah jadi kenangan yang paling jelas di antara kenangan-kenangan lain yang terasa kabur. Aneh, saat dia malah jadi yang paling pertama muncul di pikiranku saat mengingat masa-masa sekolah dulu-bukannya ingat seragam, atau pekerjaan rumah.

Pernah dengar satu ungkapan kalau otak adalah bagian yang paling vital dari tubuh manusia? Aku sendiri bukan orang yang ngerti anatomi atau neurologi atau apalah ilmu-ilmu yang mempelajari masalah itu, tapi aku setuju seratus persen tanpa koma dengan ungkapan itu.

Semua rangsangan dikirimkan ke otak, semua gerakan diperintahkan oleh otak, bukankah otak adalah pengendali yang paling nyata dari tubuh kita? Pengendali dari setiap liter darah yang mengalir di dalam nadi, pengendali dari setiap sakit, cemas, gundah, bahagia yang terasa di dalam hati.

Lalu, kalau otakku saja masih belum bisa lepas dari kamu, bagaimana mungkin aku berani berharap kalau aku sudah bisa berhenti mencintai kamu?

Ada yang mengganjal di dalam hati, bagaimanapun aku berusaha untuk menuntaskan semua perasaanku, tapi sesungguhnya bagiku ini sama sekali belum selesai. Bagiku, perjuanganmu bahkan belum dimulai, entah aku yang buta atau memang kamu yang tidak pernah berjuang. Aku ingin kamu perjuangkan.

Ada yang pergi karena memang menolak untuk memperjuangkan. Ada yang pergi hanya ingin tahu seberapa jauh ia akan diperjuangkan. - rhma.