Good, morning.

Have you ever feel completely tired every time you wake up in the morning.
Have you ever thought that you're gonna walk on hell once more, every time you get up from you bed.
Have you ever had the thought that your life is so tiring and you'd been forced to live a life you don't want to.
Have you ever had the thought that you are exhausted, mentally exhausted.

Sat, Sept 27th 2014

Apa pernah terlintas di pikiranmu, mungkin bukan aku penyebab semua tawa-tawamu. Mungkin bukan aku yang menjadi pelipur laramu. Mungkin kamu salah...
Mungkin adaku tak cukup untukmu, mungkin aku bukan jawaban dari segala gelisahmu. Mungkin hadirku tidak cukup berarti buatmu. Mungkin aku salah...

Just a random, random thought

Ada yang pernah ngasih nasehat ke aku, katanya "kita tidak bisa memilih orang tua kita, tetapi yang bisa kita lakukan hanyalah menjalankan kewajiban kita sebagai anaknya." Iya. Bener banget. Sama kayak kita nggak bisa milih kehidupan seperti apa yang akan kita jalani. Kita nggak bisa memilih untuk dilahirkan menjadi anak dari keluarga kaya raya, atau keluarga miskin, atau keluarga broken home. Nggak. Kita nggak punya kesempatan sebelum dilahirkan. Tapi, bukan berarti setelah itu kita bisa begitu aja pasrah dan hanya menyalahkan keadaan. Kita emang nggak bisa memilih keluarga tempat kita akan dilahirkan, tetapi bukan berarti kita nggak bisa merubah keadaan.....

Jadi, jangan pernah menyesali apa yang sudah terjadi, jangan pernah menyesali keadaan. Tetapi, menyesallah ketika kamu tidak berusaha untuk menggapai apa yang kamu impikan....

Ikhlas, katanya...

Aku termenung menyaksikan gelembung-gelembung sabun beterbangan tertiup angin. Seorang wanita paruh baya dengan cekatan mengayun-ngayunkan sebuah tongkat kayu yang berulang kali dicelupkan ke dalam sebuah wadah kecil berisi air sabun. Setiap ayunan tangannya membuahkan gelembung-gelembung sabun yang beterbangan mengikuti angin. Gerakannya semakin lama semakin pelan, aku tertegun. Tidakkah lelah yang ia rasakan? Berdiri di tengah-tengah kerumunan ramai pengunjung taman yang berlalu lalang, bermodalkan tongkat kayu panjang dan seember kecil air sabun, ia mencoba mengais rupiah. Raut mukanya menggambarkan letih, namun tangannya tak berhenti mengayun, menciptakan gelembung-gelembung bening yang beterbangan kesana kemari. Anak-anak kecil berlarian mengitarinya, mengejar gelembung-gelembung sabun yang ia terbangkan. Ia tak terlihat terganggu, tak juga marah. Walaupun, mereka hanya berlari-lari di sekelilingnya tanpa membeli dagangannya. Terlebih, seutas senyum tergurat di bibirnya. Ah... mungkin ia teringat anaknya di kampung, batinku.

Betapa dari hal seperti itu kita belajar, keikhlasan bukanlah ketika kau menyumbangkan berlembar-lembar rupiah yang kau miliki untuk diberikan kepada pengungsi bencana alam lalu kau ongkang-ongkang kaki di dalam kamar ber-ACmu sembari namamu ditulis besar-besar di headline koran-koran Ibu Kota, keikhlasan bukanlah ketika kau berkoar-koar ke wartawan infotainment bahwa kau mengundang ratusan anak yatim untuk makan bersama di hajatanmu. Bukan, kadang keikhlasan itu hanyalah sesosok Ibu-ibu penjual gelembung sabun di taman kota yang acap kali kau abaikan keberadaannya....

Regards,

Rahma

Lelah

Jika bisa, mungkin seluruh tubuhku sudah berteriak, memohon, mengiba.
"Aku Lelah," mungkin itu ujarnya.
Berkali kuucapkan mantra berharap semua lelah ini akan hilang.
But, it isn't that easy.
Sometimes, I surprised that I'm still survive.....

Your curiosity might kill you or worse it might get you hurt

It almost 4 AM in the morning and I'm wide awake. Somehow, I really really really want to talk to him. I mean, how could you miss someone when you're already in sleep? You're dreaming about things, not things about him, but somehow it makes you miss him more. I can't stop being in love, even in my dream.

So, I was dreaming about me hang out with another guy, I don't know who. But, I think we have some kind of close relationship. Probably. But then I realized that I already had a boyfriend, so I count that as cheating, so I told him to stop it and just go home. Well, bla bla bla.. things happened. And I awaken....

Well, that's just the beginning, we haven't reach the main story yet. Okay, so here it goes.....

I woke up and went to the bathroom, after that I can barely sleeping so I decided to get my phone and checked my twitter account. It went well in the beginning, but then my curiosity came up. I accidentally saw an account of my best friend which is my boyfriend's ex. I don't know why I can't stop to being kepo, but for God Sake! I checked her account on purpose. I checked the last update, I read the previous tweets, and worse, I read her blog post. Okay. I might have the probability to cut my wrist now. You know, it seems like I'm a masochist. -_- What I'm trying to say is that I knew that her writing could probably hurt me, but I didn't stop to read it. Can you believe that? I think I'm insane. Totally insane.

And I really am insane. I mean, I read her post. She wrote about her story with his ex which is my current boyfriend and how she thinks about me as a hypocrite. And yes, I did hurt a little, but it didn't really hurt like what I thought it might brought me to. And that's what make me can't handle the truth. How could I not become sorry when someone my best friend is getting hurt because of what I did? I feel numb. It feels empty. I can't even say that it really matters anymore. I mean, it feels like I couldn't think about another thing that isn't around me. I feel sorry, I know that I do. But, I kinda doubt my feeling. How mean :|