Ikhlas, katanya...

Aku termenung menyaksikan gelembung-gelembung sabun beterbangan tertiup angin. Seorang wanita paruh baya dengan cekatan mengayun-ngayunkan sebuah tongkat kayu yang berulang kali dicelupkan ke dalam sebuah wadah kecil berisi air sabun. Setiap ayunan tangannya membuahkan gelembung-gelembung sabun yang beterbangan mengikuti angin. Gerakannya semakin lama semakin pelan, aku tertegun. Tidakkah lelah yang ia rasakan? Berdiri di tengah-tengah kerumunan ramai pengunjung taman yang berlalu lalang, bermodalkan tongkat kayu panjang dan seember kecil air sabun, ia mencoba mengais rupiah. Raut mukanya menggambarkan letih, namun tangannya tak berhenti mengayun, menciptakan gelembung-gelembung bening yang beterbangan kesana kemari. Anak-anak kecil berlarian mengitarinya, mengejar gelembung-gelembung sabun yang ia terbangkan. Ia tak terlihat terganggu, tak juga marah. Walaupun, mereka hanya berlari-lari di sekelilingnya tanpa membeli dagangannya. Terlebih, seutas senyum tergurat di bibirnya. Ah... mungkin ia teringat anaknya di kampung, batinku.

Betapa dari hal seperti itu kita belajar, keikhlasan bukanlah ketika kau menyumbangkan berlembar-lembar rupiah yang kau miliki untuk diberikan kepada pengungsi bencana alam lalu kau ongkang-ongkang kaki di dalam kamar ber-ACmu sembari namamu ditulis besar-besar di headline koran-koran Ibu Kota, keikhlasan bukanlah ketika kau berkoar-koar ke wartawan infotainment bahwa kau mengundang ratusan anak yatim untuk makan bersama di hajatanmu. Bukan, kadang keikhlasan itu hanyalah sesosok Ibu-ibu penjual gelembung sabun di taman kota yang acap kali kau abaikan keberadaannya....

Regards,

Rahma

Lelah

Jika bisa, mungkin seluruh tubuhku sudah berteriak, memohon, mengiba.
"Aku Lelah," mungkin itu ujarnya.
Berkali kuucapkan mantra berharap semua lelah ini akan hilang.
But, it isn't that easy.
Sometimes, I surprised that I'm still survive.....

Your curiosity might kill you or worse it might get you hurt

It almost 4 AM in the morning and I'm wide awake. Somehow, I really really really want to talk to him. I mean, how could you miss someone when you're already in sleep? You're dreaming about things, not things about him, but somehow it makes you miss him more. I can't stop being in love, even in my dream.

So, I was dreaming about me hang out with another guy, I don't know who. But, I think we have some kind of close relationship. Probably. But then I realized that I already had a boyfriend, so I count that as cheating, so I told him to stop it and just go home. Well, bla bla bla.. things happened. And I awaken....

Well, that's just the beginning, we haven't reach the main story yet. Okay, so here it goes.....

I woke up and went to the bathroom, after that I can barely sleeping so I decided to get my phone and checked my twitter account. It went well in the beginning, but then my curiosity came up. I accidentally saw an account of my best friend which is my boyfriend's ex. I don't know why I can't stop to being kepo, but for God Sake! I checked her account on purpose. I checked the last update, I read the previous tweets, and worse, I read her blog post. Okay. I might have the probability to cut my wrist now. You know, it seems like I'm a masochist. -_- What I'm trying to say is that I knew that her writing could probably hurt me, but I didn't stop to read it. Can you believe that? I think I'm insane. Totally insane.

And I really am insane. I mean, I read her post. She wrote about her story with his ex which is my current boyfriend and how she thinks about me as a hypocrite. And yes, I did hurt a little, but it didn't really hurt like what I thought it might brought me to. And that's what make me can't handle the truth. How could I not become sorry when someone my best friend is getting hurt because of what I did? I feel numb. It feels empty. I can't even say that it really matters anymore. I mean, it feels like I couldn't think about another thing that isn't around me. I feel sorry, I know that I do. But, I kinda doubt my feeling. How mean :|

Nightmare episode 2

I don't know what to say anymore.....

I am just shock to have a bad dream about the same guy with different kind of rejection. I keep dreaming about him for this two days. Omagaaaah what's my unconciousness side trying to tell me actually?? Well, I'm too afraid to find all the possibilities.

 

So, yesterday I had a weird dream about this guy, so in my first dream which is my first rejection, I dreamed about me and several friends going to some place, it doesn't really clear what kinda place, to do our task, it doesn't really clear what kinda task, too.

All of my friends went there with a car, but because the seat wasn't enough for all of us, so I stayed there. There was him chattered with people I didn't know who. There was some boys too in my dreams, but I didn't really pay attention to them even though I saw them there. But, I won't talk about them, they are not the reason why I write this post too, by the way. Okay, I continue, sooo after I saw him there, I decided to ask him to take me to the destination place. I went to him and asked him "X, would you take me to the place, huh?", I put on my innocent face in front of him which is (in real life) always success to make him do what I want :p But then, he didn't really pay attention to me and answered my question coldly. With that smile in his face which I can't assumed what's the meaning. Really, it wasn't like him, that was like a side to him that I never knew was exist. That smile reminds me to, well yeah, some rejection.....

And then I forget what happened next in my dream. I thought I just stood there, foolishly, alone and had nowhere to go. And oh yeah! He also moved from where he'd been before. Oh my Lord, wasn't that because of my presence? :(

So, today I had a nightmare anymore. Omagaaaaaaaah this is worse than before, I don't even know how to start it. Like, really.... It is 3.30 AM in the morning and I was awakened by that kind of sad feeling, I'm just plain hurt, though that was only a dream, flowers of sleep, they said :(

My dream went not really clear for me, I meant I forget how it first started, but it doesn't matter, right? It's him who is matter!

I think I was in that kind of class or something, not really in a classroom, everything is messed up, like the image of my faculty, the aisle in my campus, my basecamp, and sort of an open space I do not know. So, I was in a class or sort of that, suddenly I saw my dad picked me up so I asked permission to go home. The background was changed into my faculty then, I walked there and talked with some peoples, not really matters I think, then I walked to my dad, I forget what happened next, but then there was an image of me running in a big parking lot, looking for I don't know who, but I found him as one of my friend in middle high school, I never met him for a long time, but I don't know why he could be in my dream. So, in sum, I was waiting for him to take me home because I don't know how to get home. When I currently wait for him, there was someone who asked me to join him to go somewhere. Aaaah, I forget who was that person and how I got there, but suddenly I was in a home. And the story goes.........

So, I was in that house with X, I forget what we were doing, but in that house, there was a family, consist of a father, a mother, a girl, his older sister or brother, I forget, and another one sibling. In the beginning, I just met the girl, I played with her and if I don't get it wrong, her brother, they were such a nice family, except the mother who was always like I don't know, a lil bit cold to me. But, I didn't think about it much...

Oh yeah, while I was in that house, X was always with me and talked to me, laughed with me, and so on, so on, like nothing had happened. He was so close with the member of the family, but he didn't tell me yet who they were. I don't know, but foolish me for didn't ask anyway -_-

I was so happy to play with the girl, til came the time to eat, lunch, maybe, then the mother asked us to wake up the other sibling who was slept in the bedroom, covered by blanket (so I can't see the face). But then I said, "I'd already asked her to eat, she already eat a lil bit." (looks like this girl doesn't want to eat before). Then, her mother woke her up, and you know who was she? You really want to know??

Well, don't be surprise, but actually she was X's ex-girlfriend, you know! So, during the time I was in her house, played with her siblings, talked with her family and X was so close to them!!! No wonder!!

Huh, just to remember it makes me feel so dissapointed with X :(

Then it just suddenly came to my mind, I questioning all his feelings to me, I thought that maybe all that he said was only a lie, and maybe it was me that just too excited with my feeling, while in the other hand, he still care with his ex-girlfriend... All the things in real life and in my dream came up and messed became one made me so confused. I stayed for some time, talked with her, walked around in her room, saw her things and blah blah blah, like nothing had happened. But, in my deepest heart actually I just want to go home and cry and do not meet X anymore :( and move to somewhere so far away if I could.

But then I woke up, I shocked for several minutes, couldn't say nothing, speechless, but when I realized that was only a dream, I was so relieved. Cause in my real life, he really loves me and he already said it to me...

But still, my mind is so messed up, I feel so wrong to even think about rejection. What really happened to me? Why am I like this? I hate the feeling of being rejected, really... :(

It's been 2 days, will I get the same dream again tomorrow? Would it get worse the next time?

I really hate to think about it :(

#CURHAT

Aku kangen dia yang dulu selalu ada di setiap hari dan malam-malamku.
Bukan, bukan sebagai orang asing yang kebetulan lewat atau sebagai seseorang yang tak sengaja berada di sana.
Tapi, aku rindu saat aku menjadikannya sebagai satu-satunya yang aku tempatkan di sana. Satu-satunya, iya.
My feeling's such a mess.
Aku merindukan dia, yang aku tak pernah tahu apa juga merindukanku.
Kenapa sih, harus serumit ini cerita kita?
Aku mengharapkannya, dia mengharapkanku, tapi terlalu banyak hati yang harus kita jaga. :)
Apa mungkin ceritanya akan berbeda jika ia bukan menjadi siapa yang dirindukan sahabatku?
...............
Kadang ngerasa gak adil juga sih, sementara orang-orang yang hatinya kita jaga sudah beranjak pergi, tapi kita berdua di sini masih, dan masih bergeming untuk maju.
Padahal aku juga jealous setengah mati, ngeliat dia deket sama banyak cewek, ngeliat dia dikelilingi banyak yang begitu mencintainya. Iya, aku tau dia memang idaman dari banyak kaumku.
Aku tidak bisa mengelakkan pesonanya.
Dan entah kenapa aku baru bisa menyadari itu sekarang, saat dia sudah tak mungkin untuk kumiliki.
 ...............
Ada perasaan sesal, kenapa harus begini ceritanya.
Tapi, terlalu banyak sesal juga hanya akan melenyapkanku.
Aku percaya kalau suatu saat kita bakal dipertemukan lagi, kalau memang jodoh.
Walaupun ego bersikukuh melawan hati, aku menginginkannya.
Tapi, kalau memang begini jalannya, baiklah.... ^^   

Untuk kamu,
yang kuharapkan mendapat akhir bahagia,
dengan atau tanpaku. :) 

Regards,
Rahma.

Once upon a time...

Seberapa pantaskah kau untuk kutunggu, Cukup indahkah dirimu untuk slalu kunantikan, Mampukah kau hadir dalam setiap mimpi burukku, Mampukah kita bertahan di saat kita jauh.

Aku yakin dia orang yang tepat, aku tahu. Aku yakin dia orang yang bisa ada di sampingku, bisa mendampingiku setiap saat. Aku tau, he can handle me. How could I know? I just knew.
Terkadang, saat kamu jatuh cinta, kamu tidak perlu kata-kata sebagai pembuktian.
Coz I saw it in his eyes, I saw it in his smile, but sometimes I'm just refuse to care.
I know he loves me, I know he care, but life wouldn't be that easy. It's not a happily ever after fairytale.

Seberapa hebat kau untuk kubanggakan, Cukup tangguhkah dirimu untuk slalu kuandalkan, Mampukah kau bertahan dengan hidup ku yang malang, Sanggupkah kau meyakinkan di saat aku bimbang.

Dia adalah orang pertama yang selalu aku cari dalam setiap hal dan dia adalah orang pertama yang akan selalu datang di saat aku butuh seseorang. Dia orang yang paling bisa mengerti, dia yang paling bisa aku harapkan, andalkan. Kenapa harus dia? 

Celakanya, hanya kaulah yang benar-benar aku tunggu, Hanya kaulah yang benar-benar memahamiku, Kau pergi dan hilang kemanapun kau suka, Celakanya, hanya kaulah yang pantas untuk kubanggakan, Hanya kaulah yang sanggup untuk aku andalkan, di antara pedih aku slalu menantimu…

He isn't someone that you can let go that easily... 

Kenapa harus ketemu sama orang yang tepat, di saat yang nggak tepat, sih?
Dari begitu banyaknya kemungkinan yang ada, kenapa dia?
Kenapa harus orang yang keberadaannya dinantikan oleh orang lain, kenapa harus dia?
Dia, orang yang keberadaannya selalu dirindukan oleh sahabatku sendiri.

Mungkin kini kau t’lah menghilang tanpa jejak, Mengubur semua indah kenangan, Tapi aku s’lalu menunggumu disini, Bila saja kau berubah pikiran..

Terkadang, hidup mungkin ingin mengajak kita bermain. Bermain hati mungkin lebih tepatnya.
Tapi aku percaya, Tuhan sedang menyiapkan rencana-Nya yang paling indah untukku, dan dia, dan juga dia
Mungkin akan berakhir seperti yang diharapkan, mungkin juga tidak. Tapi yang jelas, itu semua adalah yang terbaik...

Same Shit, Different Days

Salah nggak sih kalo aku ngerasa capek?

Capek apa? 
Mungkin capek pura-pura. Mungkin capek bersandiwara.

Jadi, selama ini bersandiwara? 
 Oke, fine. Iya, aku ngaku selama ini semuanya cuma sandiwara. Cuma perasaan bersalah, 
atau mungkin ada sedikit rasa terpaksa.

Berarti tidak ada cinta?
Entah. Sayang, itu pasti. Tapi, cinta? Aku sendiri tidak tahu seperti apa cinta itu. 

Kenapa baru sekarang? Kenapa nggak dari dulu?
Karena baru sadar sekarang. Jahat ya aku?


Jahat, jahat banget. Kamu jahat sama dia, sama dirimu sendiri, sama temen-temenmu juga. Apa nanti kata orang kalau kamu mempermainkan  dia seperti itu?
Aku juga nggak tahu, terkadang aku butuh dia. Aku butuh seseorang untuk ada di sampingku untuk aku andalkan, aku butuh seseorang.....


Jadi, kamu manfaatin dia?
Aku nggak maksud seperti itu, toh aku juga tidak pernah memaksa.


Jadi, dia apa? Pelarian saja?
Ya, bisa jadi. Tapi, cinta kan bisa tumbuh dengan sendirinya.


Kamu jahat, Li. Jahat.
Iya, aku tahu. Aku memang munafik, aku memang jahat. Tapi, selama tidak ada orang yang tahu, bukankah tidak masalah?


Kamu menjijikkan...........