Nightmare episode 2

I don't know what to say anymore.....

I am just shock to have a bad dream about the same guy with different kind of rejection. I keep dreaming about him for this two days. Omagaaaah what's my unconciousness side trying to tell me actually?? Well, I'm too afraid to find all the possibilities.

 

So, yesterday I had a weird dream about this guy, so in my first dream which is my first rejection, I dreamed about me and several friends going to some place, it doesn't really clear what kinda place, to do our task, it doesn't really clear what kinda task, too.

All of my friends went there with a car, but because the seat wasn't enough for all of us, so I stayed there. There was him chattered with people I didn't know who. There was some boys too in my dreams, but I didn't really pay attention to them even though I saw them there. But, I won't talk about them, they are not the reason why I write this post too, by the way. Okay, I continue, sooo after I saw him there, I decided to ask him to take me to the destination place. I went to him and asked him "X, would you take me to the place, huh?", I put on my innocent face in front of him which is (in real life) always success to make him do what I want :p But then, he didn't really pay attention to me and answered my question coldly. With that smile in his face which I can't assumed what's the meaning. Really, it wasn't like him, that was like a side to him that I never knew was exist. That smile reminds me to, well yeah, some rejection.....

And then I forget what happened next in my dream. I thought I just stood there, foolishly, alone and had nowhere to go. And oh yeah! He also moved from where he'd been before. Oh my Lord, wasn't that because of my presence? :(

So, today I had a nightmare anymore. Omagaaaaaaaah this is worse than before, I don't even know how to start it. Like, really.... It is 3.30 AM in the morning and I was awakened by that kind of sad feeling, I'm just plain hurt, though that was only a dream, flowers of sleep, they said :(

My dream went not really clear for me, I meant I forget how it first started, but it doesn't matter, right? It's him who is matter!

I think I was in that kind of class or something, not really in a classroom, everything is messed up, like the image of my faculty, the aisle in my campus, my basecamp, and sort of an open space I do not know. So, I was in a class or sort of that, suddenly I saw my dad picked me up so I asked permission to go home. The background was changed into my faculty then, I walked there and talked with some peoples, not really matters I think, then I walked to my dad, I forget what happened next, but then there was an image of me running in a big parking lot, looking for I don't know who, but I found him as one of my friend in middle high school, I never met him for a long time, but I don't know why he could be in my dream. So, in sum, I was waiting for him to take me home because I don't know how to get home. When I currently wait for him, there was someone who asked me to join him to go somewhere. Aaaah, I forget who was that person and how I got there, but suddenly I was in a home. And the story goes.........

So, I was in that house with X, I forget what we were doing, but in that house, there was a family, consist of a father, a mother, a girl, his older sister or brother, I forget, and another one sibling. In the beginning, I just met the girl, I played with her and if I don't get it wrong, her brother, they were such a nice family, except the mother who was always like I don't know, a lil bit cold to me. But, I didn't think about it much...

Oh yeah, while I was in that house, X was always with me and talked to me, laughed with me, and so on, so on, like nothing had happened. He was so close with the member of the family, but he didn't tell me yet who they were. I don't know, but foolish me for didn't ask anyway -_-

I was so happy to play with the girl, til came the time to eat, lunch, maybe, then the mother asked us to wake up the other sibling who was slept in the bedroom, covered by blanket (so I can't see the face). But then I said, "I'd already asked her to eat, she already eat a lil bit." (looks like this girl doesn't want to eat before). Then, her mother woke her up, and you know who was she? You really want to know??

Well, don't be surprise, but actually she was X's ex-girlfriend, you know! So, during the time I was in her house, played with her siblings, talked with her family and X was so close to them!!! No wonder!!

Huh, just to remember it makes me feel so dissapointed with X :(

Then it just suddenly came to my mind, I questioning all his feelings to me, I thought that maybe all that he said was only a lie, and maybe it was me that just too excited with my feeling, while in the other hand, he still care with his ex-girlfriend... All the things in real life and in my dream came up and messed became one made me so confused. I stayed for some time, talked with her, walked around in her room, saw her things and blah blah blah, like nothing had happened. But, in my deepest heart actually I just want to go home and cry and do not meet X anymore :( and move to somewhere so far away if I could.

But then I woke up, I shocked for several minutes, couldn't say nothing, speechless, but when I realized that was only a dream, I was so relieved. Cause in my real life, he really loves me and he already said it to me...

But still, my mind is so messed up, I feel so wrong to even think about rejection. What really happened to me? Why am I like this? I hate the feeling of being rejected, really... :(

It's been 2 days, will I get the same dream again tomorrow? Would it get worse the next time?

I really hate to think about it :(

#CURHAT

Aku kangen dia yang dulu selalu ada di setiap hari dan malam-malamku.
Bukan, bukan sebagai orang asing yang kebetulan lewat atau sebagai seseorang yang tak sengaja berada di sana.
Tapi, aku rindu saat aku menjadikannya sebagai satu-satunya yang aku tempatkan di sana. Satu-satunya, iya.
My feeling's such a mess.
Aku merindukan dia, yang aku tak pernah tahu apa juga merindukanku.
Kenapa sih, harus serumit ini cerita kita?
Aku mengharapkannya, dia mengharapkanku, tapi terlalu banyak hati yang harus kita jaga. :)
Apa mungkin ceritanya akan berbeda jika ia bukan menjadi siapa yang dirindukan sahabatku?
...............
Kadang ngerasa gak adil juga sih, sementara orang-orang yang hatinya kita jaga sudah beranjak pergi, tapi kita berdua di sini masih, dan masih bergeming untuk maju.
Padahal aku juga jealous setengah mati, ngeliat dia deket sama banyak cewek, ngeliat dia dikelilingi banyak yang begitu mencintainya. Iya, aku tau dia memang idaman dari banyak kaumku.
Aku tidak bisa mengelakkan pesonanya.
Dan entah kenapa aku baru bisa menyadari itu sekarang, saat dia sudah tak mungkin untuk kumiliki.
 ...............
Ada perasaan sesal, kenapa harus begini ceritanya.
Tapi, terlalu banyak sesal juga hanya akan melenyapkanku.
Aku percaya kalau suatu saat kita bakal dipertemukan lagi, kalau memang jodoh.
Walaupun ego bersikukuh melawan hati, aku menginginkannya.
Tapi, kalau memang begini jalannya, baiklah.... ^^   

Untuk kamu,
yang kuharapkan mendapat akhir bahagia,
dengan atau tanpaku. :) 

Regards,
Rahma.

Once upon a time...

Seberapa pantaskah kau untuk kutunggu, Cukup indahkah dirimu untuk slalu kunantikan, Mampukah kau hadir dalam setiap mimpi burukku, Mampukah kita bertahan di saat kita jauh.

Aku yakin dia orang yang tepat, aku tahu. Aku yakin dia orang yang bisa ada di sampingku, bisa mendampingiku setiap saat. Aku tau, he can handle me. How could I know? I just knew.
Terkadang, saat kamu jatuh cinta, kamu tidak perlu kata-kata sebagai pembuktian.
Coz I saw it in his eyes, I saw it in his smile, but sometimes I'm just refuse to care.
I know he loves me, I know he care, but life wouldn't be that easy. It's not a happily ever after fairytale.

Seberapa hebat kau untuk kubanggakan, Cukup tangguhkah dirimu untuk slalu kuandalkan, Mampukah kau bertahan dengan hidup ku yang malang, Sanggupkah kau meyakinkan di saat aku bimbang.

Dia adalah orang pertama yang selalu aku cari dalam setiap hal dan dia adalah orang pertama yang akan selalu datang di saat aku butuh seseorang. Dia orang yang paling bisa mengerti, dia yang paling bisa aku harapkan, andalkan. Kenapa harus dia? 

Celakanya, hanya kaulah yang benar-benar aku tunggu, Hanya kaulah yang benar-benar memahamiku, Kau pergi dan hilang kemanapun kau suka, Celakanya, hanya kaulah yang pantas untuk kubanggakan, Hanya kaulah yang sanggup untuk aku andalkan, di antara pedih aku slalu menantimu…

He isn't someone that you can let go that easily... 

Kenapa harus ketemu sama orang yang tepat, di saat yang nggak tepat, sih?
Dari begitu banyaknya kemungkinan yang ada, kenapa dia?
Kenapa harus orang yang keberadaannya dinantikan oleh orang lain, kenapa harus dia?
Dia, orang yang keberadaannya selalu dirindukan oleh sahabatku sendiri.

Mungkin kini kau t’lah menghilang tanpa jejak, Mengubur semua indah kenangan, Tapi aku s’lalu menunggumu disini, Bila saja kau berubah pikiran..

Terkadang, hidup mungkin ingin mengajak kita bermain. Bermain hati mungkin lebih tepatnya.
Tapi aku percaya, Tuhan sedang menyiapkan rencana-Nya yang paling indah untukku, dan dia, dan juga dia
Mungkin akan berakhir seperti yang diharapkan, mungkin juga tidak. Tapi yang jelas, itu semua adalah yang terbaik...

Same Shit, Different Days

Salah nggak sih kalo aku ngerasa capek?

Capek apa? 
Mungkin capek pura-pura. Mungkin capek bersandiwara.

Jadi, selama ini bersandiwara? 
 Oke, fine. Iya, aku ngaku selama ini semuanya cuma sandiwara. Cuma perasaan bersalah, 
atau mungkin ada sedikit rasa terpaksa.

Berarti tidak ada cinta?
Entah. Sayang, itu pasti. Tapi, cinta? Aku sendiri tidak tahu seperti apa cinta itu. 

Kenapa baru sekarang? Kenapa nggak dari dulu?
Karena baru sadar sekarang. Jahat ya aku?


Jahat, jahat banget. Kamu jahat sama dia, sama dirimu sendiri, sama temen-temenmu juga. Apa nanti kata orang kalau kamu mempermainkan  dia seperti itu?
Aku juga nggak tahu, terkadang aku butuh dia. Aku butuh seseorang untuk ada di sampingku untuk aku andalkan, aku butuh seseorang.....


Jadi, kamu manfaatin dia?
Aku nggak maksud seperti itu, toh aku juga tidak pernah memaksa.


Jadi, dia apa? Pelarian saja?
Ya, bisa jadi. Tapi, cinta kan bisa tumbuh dengan sendirinya.


Kamu jahat, Li. Jahat.
Iya, aku tahu. Aku memang munafik, aku memang jahat. Tapi, selama tidak ada orang yang tahu, bukankah tidak masalah?


Kamu menjijikkan...........

I try to hold on but it hurts so much

Have you ever felt like you were being alone? Like, you're among peoples but you felt like you're fighting alone.
I felt like I was failed, failed as a psychology student. I'm one of the pyschology peoples but I can't handle my own problem. I can't handle me. I can't handle my feeling. I'm trying to hold on but it feels so hurt and so lonely, I can't handle it.
I was asked for help, but no one really gave me a hand. I felt like I was alone and I felt like abandoned. Ironic, how life could turn 180 degrees easily like this.
I can barely share it, I can barely share it with anyone. I can't even talk about it. Nggak sanggup.
Sometimes, I just don't know what to tell, how to tell it, I don't know. I just keep it inside. Just for myself.
It hurts when you have to act strong when deep inside all that you want to do is only break apart. When all you have to do is to be peoples' strength but all you really need is peoples to be beside you. It such a pain.
I smile, I laugh, I chat, I act like nothing matters. But inside, my soul is breaking into pieces.
I need more strength. I need more patience. I need to be convinced that this isn't a big deal and my life will continue still.
But I just can't handle it. I'm weak. It's all beyond me. I don't have much energy left. I don't have the urge to fight anymore. I'm tired. I'm just very very tired.
I'm tired to act strong while inside I'm just as fragile as a wet paper. I'm tired to understand peoples while nobody tries to understand me. I'm tired to be okay while everyone else only being selfish. I'm tired with all of this. Why I'd to be the who cares so much when nobody else does? Why I'd to be the one who hold on so tight when everybody try to go?
I just want my family back. That's all I want.

to be continued

So, here is this guy, he's nice, he's humble, I like him, he's so funny after all. 

I know he hold something for me.

I do feel comfort with him. Aku bisa smsan sama dia semaleman, sometimes, yes, I feel bored, tapi somehow I just can't stand his message. Sometimes I feel a lil bit too excited and these days I smile a lot. Extreme, I know.

But that's just not the way I love someone. I meant, ya iya dia emang anaknya asik, I do send texts with him, but that's just something in the way I feel him. 

Apa ya? I can't explain with words, but sometimes when I'm in the middle of 'sms-sms ria' with him I just can't hold my tears. I cried for I don't know what.

Kalo ada yang bisa jelasin kenapa aku tiba-tiba pengen nangis, well that's absolutely not me.

So, I keep asking to myself 'what's wrong with me?'

Ada satu sih sebenernya yang bikin gundah, yang mungkin bisa jadi jawaban dari pertanyaan terakhir.

So, here is this guy, he's nice, he's humble, he's funny after all, he's sometimes sweet, he loves his mother so much, he's a lil bit fragile, he's overthinking so much, he used to be a playmaker in his team and I liked him. a lot.

Pernah nggak sih, kamu ngerasain patah hati, sakit hati, kangen, nyesek, marah, kecewa dan sebagainya, campur aduk rasanya dan semuanya cuma gara-gara satu orang? Aku pernah. He's the one to blame.

He's not my ex-boyfriend, he's not my first love, he's not even someone that more than friend to me.

Tapi dia susah banget dihilangin dari hati, dan pikiran. Aku juga nggak tau kenapa, padahal nggak pernah ada sesuatu yang lebih di antara kita, nggak pernah ada sesuatu yang spesial di antara kita. Tapi aneh, saat dia malah jadi satu hal yang terasa paling nyata di antara hal-hal lain yang datang dari masa lalu, saat dia malah jadi kenangan yang paling jelas di antara kenangan-kenangan lain yang terasa kabur. Aneh, saat dia malah jadi yang paling pertama muncul di pikiranku saat mengingat masa-masa sekolah dulu-bukannya ingat seragam, atau pekerjaan rumah.

Pernah dengar satu ungkapan kalau otak adalah bagian yang paling vital dari tubuh manusia? Aku sendiri bukan orang yang ngerti anatomi atau neurologi atau apalah ilmu-ilmu yang mempelajari masalah itu, tapi aku setuju seratus persen tanpa koma dengan ungkapan itu.

Semua rangsangan dikirimkan ke otak, semua gerakan diperintahkan oleh otak, bukankah otak adalah pengendali yang paling nyata dari tubuh kita? Pengendali dari setiap liter darah yang mengalir di dalam nadi, pengendali dari setiap sakit, cemas, gundah, bahagia yang terasa di dalam hati.

Lalu, kalau otakku saja masih belum bisa lepas dari kamu, bagaimana mungkin aku berani berharap kalau aku sudah bisa berhenti mencintai kamu?

Ada yang mengganjal di dalam hati, bagaimanapun aku berusaha untuk menuntaskan semua perasaanku, tapi sesungguhnya bagiku ini sama sekali belum selesai. Bagiku, perjuanganmu bahkan belum dimulai, entah aku yang buta atau memang kamu yang tidak pernah berjuang. Aku ingin kamu perjuangkan.

Ada yang pergi karena memang menolak untuk memperjuangkan. Ada yang pergi hanya ingin tahu seberapa jauh ia akan diperjuangkan. - rhma.

Absurd

Pada akhirnya memang akan selalu ada waktunya untuk berhenti. Berhenti meratap, berhenti menangis, berhenti berharap...
 
Jarum jam tidak akan selamanya berdetak mengiringi berjalannya sang waktu. Terkadang ia berhenti sejenak, saat jam kehabisan baterainya. Entah apa yang dipikirkan jarum jam saat ia berhenti bergerak, mungkinkah sebenarnya ia pun rindu dengan putaran 360 derajatnya?